a pretty fancy cardboard box

this morning is one of my last mornings waking up in this home.  i'm up early again, thanks to a baby adorable enough to be worth it, and i'm sitting in this quiet house of memories, filled with a weird casserole mixture of devastated excitement.  we found a pretty fancy cardboard box to live in.  i'm kidding.  but we did find a house about the same size as a cardboard box.  my mom is always reminding me to pray in specifics, so i did, but in asking for rounded doorways and glass doorknobs i forgot to mention in my prayers that we would be needing a little extra square footage and also a dishwasher.  i did pray, though, for a great yard, great landlords, 3 bedrooms, a price that won't kill us every month, and, most importantly, (to me at least), a house with a little charm.  it's not the most important thing, but God really knows the way to my heart is in the adorable details.  the charm isn't the same as in the house we're moving from, which is an adventure for decorator-me, and i'm excited about it.  anyways, God is faithful, as always, and every important need has been met, and lucky for me, He threw a few 'wants' in there as well.  the switch has been made from heartbroken and stressed to gratitude and relief, and is slowly changing to a nervous excited...but it is a pretttttty slooooow change and i just can't kick the sad that i've been dragging around.   i know, i know, i know i know i know, that God hurts with me when i'm hurting, even if it's over something dumb.  so i'm resting in that this morning while i try not to "...eat the bread of idleness" as a result of my weepy heart.  instead i will "...clothe myself in strength and dignity and laugh at the days to come".  well, i've been laughing at the days to come all along but it's been more of a high pitched, nervous laugh.  i am so incredibly grateful that i serve a God that can give me total peace about something that i'm nervous about.  isn't that the weirdest feeling? it doesn't even make sense to me, but i'm claiming that peace in Jesus name, and moving on.  that's all. 

i want really badly to be posting 9 million photos but for some reason somebody has kidnapped my usb cord!  i know it's been kidnapped because i've searched this house high and low...it literally is not here.  i'm going to order one so soon...i think. 

shelby?

so today, this happened.  i woke up early to greet a very small person around 5:15 am.  in my brain i am thinking i will do a post about how i am now in my second month of watching the delightful little ava friske a few days a week but i also have 4000 posts that i keep intending to do and just never get around to doing so, who knows.  anyways, she and i went on a quick coffee run and on the way i saw something rather spectacular.  something that makes my heart skip a beat. something that lights up a sad heart, and literally gets me so excited i could just pee...like an excited puppy!  that's right.  i saw, with my very own, very tired eyes, in front of an adorable little house with a picket fence, furniture....with a FREE sign on each piece.  really honestly, if you know me, i'm sure you know that this type of thing gets me completely giddy and quite frankly, a little insane. 

here is the problem. 

we are moving.  it's true.  so sad right!?  i know.  where?  no idea.  we just know we have to be out by the 30th...TEN days from now.  i'm so sad about it.  i've cried lots of tears, had lots of angry thoughts, and gone into full mourning about it.  enough sad that i don't have any room for anxiety about our future. sure, that's ridiculous behavior, i know this. it's just a house!  sigh, it's just a house that holds tons of sentimental memories...quinns birth for one, and i'm just. not. ready. i think if this had been our decision, and we had found something better, then this wouldn't be so hard.  but nope...tony chow showed up at our door step and said that we have 30 days to be out so he can pretend a little more convicingly to the bank about this being his primary residence.

so matt told me about 20 days ago that i am not allowed to collect any more furniture, for completely understandable reasons like, if we have to live in a cardboard box at the end of the month, there will be no room for anything adorable...besides quinn of course. 

well i drove by the line of dressers and bookshelves soooo slowly and felt so happy to have seen it, and then so sad because i knew i couldn't have any of it.  well also i don't need any of it but, haha, do i ever!?  i'm really good at convincing myself that i do, and matt is really good at obliging my delusions, but we all know the truth.   

so i came home and couldn't stop thinking about a little bookshelf that was clearly handmade and just perfect.  i told matt about it and he promptly rolled his eyes...if he says "no! absolutely not!" then i know i'd better not push it...but if he just rolls his eyes, it means he doesn't hate it completely :)  yay!  i left ava and quinn with him and took his car down the street...with the help of a gentlemanly teenage boy waiting on the corner for his smoking buddies, i got it shoved into the car all crazy-like, the door wouldn't shut and i actually put my hand on a spiders egg nest underneath it but didn't even care.  i'm so excited about her (still working on a name...i always name my furniture) i can barely stand it.  so in my sadness about moving, i feel a little brightness sneaking in.  i know that this isn't the end of the world, and in 2 months(hopefully less) i'll be scolding myself for this ridiculous pity party.  but for now, i'm going to relish in the happy heart this little bookshelf has brought me (maybe her name is Shelby?), and use that happy energy to get packing!